I'm sure we've all heard the jokes about married sex, yes? Oh, don't get married... That'll be the end of sex, and then all of your friends sit around and laugh. We've all been there, on one side of that conversation or another, I'm sure. Now, all the articles and advice columns say that that isn't true, or at least doesn't have to be true, and here are 25 ways to overcome it... blah, blah, blah. I'm going to tell you something that they never tell you. It's true.
I don't believe this is due to marriage however. When my husband and I were first married our sex life was uncontrollable, just as it had been before we were married. Then the children came along. That is what changed everything. Let me also tell you that the change in our sex life isn't something we wanted, or enjoy. In fact we discuss it and complain about it all the time, but we feel stuck in a no-sex rut.
I am the queen of day time sex. Come night time I just wanna lay around and watch tv and unwind, but there is something about morning or early afternoon that really works for me. For the last two years what hasn't worked for me are the kids screaming in the morning, knocking on the door, expecting breakfast immediately, and crawling into bed with us. This is not a situation conducive to sex, at least not for me. Daytime isn't any better. Then they want me to fix toys, play cars, watch movies, fill juice cups, wipe their ass, get snacks.. I never have 10 minutes to myself, and I'll admit a quickie here and there is great fun, but I don't want my entire sex life built on those.
We've tried switching it up and having sex at night, but damn, we're just so tired. My hubby gets up stupid early for work and pulls 12-14 hour days and then comes home and does the dad thing and helps around the house. (I'm lucky, I know.) I've been with kids all day, which leaves me physically exhausted, yes, but also stressed to the max and emotionally wiped out. I also have to find moments in between parenting to work. I've been balancing and juggling all day and I am just so done. The last damn thing I want to do is actually put any effort into having sex, and he feels the same way.
We've read the articles and tried it all. Scheduling sex, having dates, having quickies when we can, cuddling and holding hands more often... it doesn't make any difference. We've heard all of the lines about putting your relationship before your children, but that isn't really possible now is it? He doesn't rely on me to make him food, or teach him how to tie his shoes. He simply doesn't need me like they do, so it's very easy to put him behind them in line, on the same level as myself actually. It's not that we don't love each other or aren't attracted to each other, we just don't have it in us at the end of the day.
We talk and dream of the days that the kids will be bigger, making their own breakfast, he'll have a better job with better hours, maybe the kids will be out with friends even, or at least too old to want to have much to do with us. Yes, sex is now in our 10 year plan.
My children have killed my sex life. Someday, when they're all grown up, maybe expecting their first child, I'm going to have them read this.. and I'll expect an apology, and a look of fear, or perhaps disbelief, to sweep across their sweet, unknowing faces. Inside I'll smile as I watch the circle of life take hold and plunge them into their own seemingly endless no-sex rut- and I'll go home and do things that make their dad's eyes roll back in his head. Someday.