Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Marriage, or Lack Thereof

My husband received news today that his ex girlfriend just finalized her divorce. She was the serious one right before me and when we first started dating he was still all hung up on her. She had painted him a picture of what was supposed to be their souls entwined for all eternity (if their souls resembled cave drawings) and I slept with that damn thing over my bed for a year before I could finally convince him to take it down and pack it away. She would call and he would answer no matter what we were doing and then completely ignore me for hours while they chatted. He, and his friends, had pictures of the two of them together in their homes on display until well after our wedding. That kind of 'all hung up on her'. She's always been a source of contention for us and it took a long time before hearing her name didn't make me sick to my stomach. (And for those of you thinking I have problems with all exes cause I'm a jealous twit- my bff is his ex, the one he lost his virginity to and, no, we didn't all grow up together or anything. I met her when we were engaged, so I do take this on a case by case basis. I judge people as people, not as titles.)

Anyway, at first when he told me this I bristled a little cause, really? I kinda thought we were past this now. But as it turns out I had no need to bristle. Apparently what had happened is that her hubby was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she decided she was too... young?, or selfish in my opinion, to handle it so she walked away. Now I'm not saying that taking care of someone who is dying is easy. I watch it in my own family and I see the tears and the hopelessness, and it's heartbreaking, but to leave your spouse in their darkest hour? Wow. I just can't fathom it. I can't understand how anyone can know that someone they promised to love is scared and hurting and NOT be moved to help.. not have an emotional connection, or response, or whatever you want to call it. When did marriage become a 'so long as it's convenient and I'm having fun' thing?

I don't live under a rock. I do understand that the divorce rate is astronomical as are the rates for a lot of other things that might cause a divorce. My own parents, aunts, uncles, and grandparents are divorced... I'm talking every single person for two generations. In our wedding card my grandma wrote, "Please show us how it's done." So what I'm getting at is this.. The divorce rate is high, but is that due to people mistreating each other more freely like I was taught, OR is it due to people just becoming more and more selfish and not wanting to actually do what they promised to do cause it's not fun anymore?

My marriage hasn't been peachy. We've been married for 3.5 years and we've experienced infidelity more than once, substance issues, irresponsible financial decisions without involving the other spouse, and most other transgressions that I believe are normal for most marriages and even some that I'm not ready to open up to the world about quite yet, but here we stand. Because we're somehow better? Absolutely not. Because at the end of the day we made a promise to each other and our word is important to us. So far we've never found anything we can't work through. Sometimes working through it took months and/or hundreds of dollars in counseling that we had to pull from thin air. Sometimes we had to force ourselves to work on it. Sometimes we had to talk ourselves out of leaving for good and sometimes we cried and never laughed. Sometimes we didn't speak for days. Sometimes when we did speak all we did was yell. Yet here we are.

When were we promised that marriage, or life in general for that matter, was always going to be easy and fun? When did marriage become some fleeting thing we did for a moment or two? And is it possible to get it back to the lifetime commitment it once was- at least for most of us? To be fair, I'm not talking about all divorces and I'm not against divorce all the time, I certainly think that there are justifiable reasons for it, but to leave because your spouse is dying and you don't want to deal with it? That's gotta be the most selfish, child-like thing I've ever heard. Nothing worthwhile comes to you without work. Ever.

On the upside, my husband, I think, is finally done with the past and has realized, or said he did anyway, how lucky he was that that wasn't him and that he's far better off here- not that I'm a saint, but at least he has no fear of being left on his death bed.

So what do you think? Can anything be done to save the sanctity of marriage? Should we bother trying at all?


  1. That is the saddest, most despicable thing I have ever heard of. Who leaves their husband because they can't deal with his illness?? And I think you are right. People have become so self-centered that they don't honor commitments because they get bored. Or they think it's too hard. Who ever told them marriage was a cake-walk is a damn liar. I know this and I've never been married. When I do, if I ever do, I am prepared to stick things out to the bitter end because I take that promise very seriously. It's why I've never married any of my asshole exes.

  2. I think people give up to easy now a days. I'm not saying to stick with an abusive spouce of course not! ...but besides that it seems like once there's a little stress it's over. My marriage was rcoky for a couple years, and I won't lie there were times I wanted to walk out, but I'm glad we've both stuck through it and what we have now was so worth the pain of sticking around

  3. I loved this. Thank you for sharing and may I add, you are a strong woman for even making it past the whole " still hung up on his ex" situation. I applaud you.

    As a recently divorced woman, I ask myself all the time if the sactity of marriage hopeless. I just don't think people have the desire to work through things anymore.. it's much easier to walk away,,,,,,, even in someones darkest hour. (Boy, if that was ever letting someones true colors show)
    I think it's great that you are dedicated to your marriage. I wish I had the answer.

  4. Wow!!!! I have been married for almost 16 years, we were almost separated in 2009 for alot of the reasons you mentioned in your blog, bad financial mistakes, constant yelling about the financial mistakes etc but then I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child...She is almost 2yrs old now and I love her beyond measure however at the time I reeeeaaalllly didn't want another child because I had 4 and our marriage was on the rocks....this little miracle child brought our family together...we too have spent hundreds of dollars that we don;t have on counselling, we are still not where I feel we should be, but I can honestly say that God forbid he was very ill, no matter what I was feeling for him I would NEVER walk out...we take the vows for better or worse, in my marriage we have copped alot of the "worse" but we are still is a constant full time job to be half of a marriage and your post is spot on :)